One of the reasons we wanted to put this blog up was to share our “lessons learned” from two failed marriages. We are both very much pro-marriage. However, our life stories didn’t go that way and we have spent some time reflecting on what happened to us.
From that reflection, we have identified some basic principles that it would seem a strong marriage should have in its DNA. The first of these insights is one that we call…
Making Each Other Better
Some might not see this as anything revolutionary. Actually, none of the things we’ve discovered are revolutionary, but if they are missing, it’s like a support beam is missing, making a collapse more likely.To desire the best for your spouse requires a couple of things. First, you need to understand that people change. Your spouse’s desires and interests will be different when they are in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond.
Understanding this means that your desire for their best has to apply to the current them, not the them of the past or the idealized them of a possible future. You need to be able to see and accept them as they are in the present. This may require some further thought, it’s no easy task. And it goes without saying there are limits to what you can accept. If your spouse opens up a human trafficking ring, you should probably call the local authorities rather than becoming their partner in crime. But, short of that, you should find ways to encourage them to grow into their change and become the best that they can be. This is actually an act of love, a gift for your spouse.
Second, you need to understand that what is best for them may not be what you think or hope is best for them. The idea is that you are not encouraging them to be a copy of you, or live out your expectations for them. You have to step outside yourself to accomplish this task. To make someone better, you have to know and understand them. This takes effort to keep up with the changes life brings to a person. It is a challenge, but also a privilege.
I think this one thought is so important it would be the one piece of advice I would (and have) given my kids in looking at a prospective life partner. It can be such a benefit having someone by your side encouraging you to live the best life you can.
Having this mutual desire to make each other better creates a place where each spouse can feel safe, supported, and loved. They can both share their vulnerabilities and find the deepest belonging that humans can offer. It not only buoys us up personally, it keeps the relationship on the upward track of growing into the future. Granted, even this support can be imperfect because we are imperfect, but that is the topic of our next post . . . so stay tuned.