Category: Blog

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The Real Key to Marriage

Why it’s not “Communication”

I’ve heard many people state that the key to a strong, healthy marriage is communication. I don’t think that goes deep enough. For example, cutting words and sharp criticism are effective forms of communication. They get the job done, but are not going to enhance relationships. Some couples can communicate politely and copiously — much like a good customer service representative — while letting resentment build below the surface.
In order for communication to be a support pillar in marriage, there must be an atmosphere of grace, an environment where we know that mistakes are going to be made, but there will be space to own those mistakes, to learn from them, to become better, and to ultimately grow together. In order to have that kind of grace-filled space, there needs to be . . .

Forgiveness

What does forgiveness do for a marriage, or for a relationship in general? Forgiveness is the act of recognizing a wrong and, instead of requiring payment from the offending party, the offended party treats the offender as though they hadn’t done them wrong. It is a choice to value the other person over the offense that occurred. This is not an easy thing to do. There are those (and we are included in that number) who believe this kind of grace is not only unnatural, but can only be supernatural.

Once you have a partner who is willing to forgive, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Can we agree that nobody is perfect? I hope so. And when you are imperfect and do or say something that hurts your partner, knowing that they have an attitude of forgiveness makes a way out and provides a path of protection from the bumps and bruises as you travel life together.

It is wise not to presume on this forgiveness. But if we assume that we are both want the best for each other (that was our last blog entry), then we will work to avoid needing forgiveness in the first place. But when it’s needed? There’s just nothing like it.
I believe that forgiveness is the key to a vibrant, lasting marriage. Without it, the foundation will crack and all that will be left is bitterness, suspicion, and all varieties of little uglinesses. Forgiveness is the healing balm that smooths the roughness and cements the bond of relationship. It comes highly recommended.

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Wishing You the Best

One of the reasons we wanted to put this blog up was to share our “lessons learned” from two failed marriages. We are both very much pro-marriage. However, our life stories didn’t go that way and we have spent some time reflecting on what happened to us.

From that reflection, we have identified some basic principles that it would seem a strong marriage should have in its DNA. The first of these insights is one that we call…

Making Each Other Better

Some might not see this as anything revolutionary. Actually, none of the things we’ve discovered are revolutionary, but if they are missing, it’s like a support beam is missing, making a collapse more likely.To desire the best for your spouse requires a couple of things. First, you need to understand that people change. Your spouse’s desires and interests will be different when they are in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond.

Understanding this means that your desire for their best has to apply to the current them, not the them of the past or the idealized them of a possible future. You need to be able to see and accept them as they are in the present. This may require some further thought, it’s no easy task. And it goes without saying there are limits to what you can accept. If your spouse opens up a human trafficking ring, you should probably call the local authorities rather than becoming their partner in crime. But, short of that, you should find ways to encourage them to grow into their change and become the best that they can be. This is actually an act of love, a gift for your spouse.

Second, you need to understand that what is best for them may not be what you think or hope is best for them. The idea is that you are not encouraging them to be a copy of you, or live out your expectations for them. You have to step outside yourself to accomplish this task. To make someone better, you have to know and understand them. This takes effort to keep up with the changes life brings to a person. It is a challenge, but also a privilege.

I think this one thought is so important it would be the one piece of advice I would (and have) given my kids in looking at a prospective life partner. It can be such a benefit having someone by your side encouraging you to live the best life you can.

Having this mutual desire to make each other better creates a place where each spouse can feel safe, supported, and loved. They can both share their vulnerabilities and find the deepest belonging that humans can offer. It not only buoys us up personally, it keeps the relationship on the upward track of growing into the future. Granted, even this support can be imperfect because we are imperfect, but that is the topic of our next post . . . so stay tuned.

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Welcome, We’ve Been Here a Year

Here goes–my first ever blog post. Beginnings (and beginning again) seem like an appropriate topic for the inaugural entry on our site. First, let’s do some introductions, shall we? I am Alyce (rhymes with “police”), the “her” of this site. I have lived most of my life in the Midwest of the US, with brief stints on the West Coast and in England. I am married to Michael, the “him” of this site, also from the Midwest, and my beloved husband of exactly one year. We have six children (from our previous marriages), three jobs, and two homes between us, and we are still in a long-distance relationship. Welcome to our story.

Got our marriage license at the Denver County Recorder of Deeds office

We eloped to Colorado in September 2018, in part because they allow self-solemnization, which means couples are not required to have another person marry them. We knew we wanted to marry each other, but we didn’t want to rush family members to get on board with the idea or have a wedding where people care about might feel uncomfortable or forced to fake their support. (We did tell our parents and children first, however.) Our ten-day elopement/honeymoon was the longest span of time we had ever spent in each other’s presence.

We had a wonderful time! (See links below for some of our recommendations.) But, of course, our trip had to end and we had to return to reality, which included our children and obligations hundreds of miles apart from each other. We plan to share some of our challenges, learnings, and hopes for the future here, so come back and see us next month!

Happy First Anniversary, Love.